Pastry Bandit

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4 pastries huh…

She lifts the bag

Then the adorable check out girl gives me the LOOK and smiles.

They don’t check the bag.  They actually never check the bag.  Even if they suspect you may be telling them an inaccurate pastry count they don’t want the hassle.  The reason I’d like to believe they don’t want the hassle is because they know the pastries are overpriced in the first place.

Rewind 5 minutes.

There I am at the Hunt Valley Wegmans with a stuffed bag of pastries.

The thing is, I’ve been staking out each checkout line to see which would be most suitable for this con.

5’7″ female Asian American adorable.

She fits the criteria perfectly.

For starters, if she makes a fuss I have the ability to flirt with her and smooth things over.  Secondly, I’m contemplating the idea of asking for her digits.

The thing is I’ve been incrementally stealing pastries from this joint for about 4 weeks now.

They are delicious, expensive, and never on sale.

Being a resourceful Jew, I created a pastry price algorithm based on the principle of PIE

The reason I chose this algorithm is because I infinitely love these pastries.  Soooo good.

They are 1 dollar a piece which really does not make sense.  Due to the variable size and ingredients of each pastry how can they all possibly cost 1 dollar each.  At most they should be .75 per and that’s in a high dividend yield pastry market.  Wegmans has decided not to apply the pastry variance theory whatsoever and deep down that really bothers me.

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Pastry Variance Theory:  Due to ingredients, size, and deliciousness of said item it will be priced accordingly.

THEY ARE ALL 1 dollar a piece how is that possible.  It’s not mathematically speaking.  Just another example of grocer negligence.

So, with that being said, I typically will take 7 pastries and tell them I have 4.

4 is a really good number.  I think 4 dollars for pastries is more then fair.  I’m on a budget after all.

On a side note I no longer eat pastries.  Apparently they are not healthy (Insert bunny ears emoticon here).

© 2014 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

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