Happy Fourth of July Weekend

 

 

NewSailorText

 

© 2016 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

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Pause for a Station Break

Why hello there its yours truly Jfreshly bringing you a station break.  A Pause in the Modern Linguistics: Song Blog flow.  Recently a user that goes by the moniker of Donnie Jerko submitted a few interesting comments.  I choose not to allow these comments because his name “Donnie Jerko” when clicked would take you to an adult film oriented website.

This user realized this apparent comment denial and proceeded to send another comment which suggested much anger and aggression towards Jfreshly.  This blog is about creativity and enjoying the language of letters.  With-in that logic I feel it would go against the grain and ideals of this blog not to share them.

This blog does not and will not promote any pornographic or illegal websites.  That reason and that reason alone is why I did not accept these comments.  Enjoy your moment in the sun Donnie Jerko.  I hope this blog post brings you much happiness.

You never know who you will meet in the world of blogging.  #LOL

https://jfreshly.wordpress.com/2016/02/27/socket-madness/ (This is the original post to which the comments were posted).

– 2016/03/01 at 12:56 am

Donnie Jerko

My pussy has a first name its J-E-l-l-O. My wiener has a first name when I find it I will let you know. One time I frenched a tree, it wasn’t all that and later that day I found out I was allergic to poison sumac, Yankees batman its time to leave.

– John

– 2016/03/01 at 3:48 pm

Donnie Jerko

You dodgy tosser, I get off a plane from Disney World expecting my haiku to be posted and you deny me my freedom. I was relating to being stuck on a plane you wanker, YOU will pay for this denial. Every hour you do not post this a cat will get petted, every day that goes by a pancake will die, I will pull up this blog on screens around the world and smash the screen. Who are you to deny people their comments, those are their comments, they own them. You barnacle bill free speech impeding bastard, you have no right, you are not the beak although you probably do wear a curly wig quite often, neigh, What was that? Caligula’s horse just told you fuck off you Yankee candle buying arsemonger. Ohhh look at me come post a comment, wait no let me read it first and then Ill decide if it is good enough for me manky blog. You cocked up big time by doing this matey, Ill give you so many viruses it will make ancient Babylon look like playgroup. your no better than those cheese eating surrender monkeys across the pond, you will feel the full wrath I curse you from this tosh to the slag you romp every fortnight. You will taste fish and chips for eternity, your teeth will surely rot and you wank will fall off because you are not a beak, you are not a judge, you are just a no good word panderer with one good eye. Prepare matey, prepare.

-John

© 2016 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.​

On a side note I just found out you can go into admin and delete the URL linked to their screen name.  My bad dude #LOL.

 

Ten Moments of Zen With Jfreshly

Ten Moments of Zen with Jfreshly

 

  1. To look at black and white photos of naked women is pleasant.
  2. My style be like Golden Axe when the joystick’s in motion. I be straight up kicking the shit out of these squirrels to get these potions
  3. Would Ancient Egyptians have liked the television series The X-Files?
  4. Eat lots of figs for good bowel movements.
  5. Breakfast and head is the reward for dealing with PMS once a month.
  6. If you’ve gone a month without a dose of Dr. Seuss your childhood is in jeopardy. (What is Lay out your booster Alex?  That’s correct for $1,000).
  7. The NAACP has asked its members to boycott “Black Friday” they have requested that the day after Thanks Giving simply be referred to as “Friday”.
  8. TMZ has reported, “This just in folks Sponge Bob Square Pants was caught shopping at Urban Outfitters while wearing circular pants”.
  9. Rendezvous at the land of lakes. If my memory serves correctly there will be attractive Indian women offering butter.
  10. For our first date, I’ll dress up like the penguin from Billy Madison, and pour us Manischewitz by waterfalls.

 

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

To Draft Amongst Kings

onionringofpowerA sports minded hobbit sets his fantasy football lineups.
Then places his weekly lottery tickets into an envelope.
A wax seal emblem pressed: The House of Freshness represented.
Mailed to the Giants at the Meadow Lands delivered by the “Quick Post”.
Shipped by the boats of the Southron Buccaneers in the bay of Tampa.
The Eagles watch over the financials along the arduous travel.
Then flown to “The Bank” by the Ravens, Edgar, Allan, and Poe.
The all seeing eye embossed in flame always watching.
The nameless fear that sports the prestigious Burger King crown.
He who enchants his legendary lineups with the Palantír (Great seeing stones of statistical advantage).
A shadowy figure cooks twenty Onion Rings in the heart of Mount Doom.
Three Onion Rings given out to the Elven-kings under the sky of Hail Mary.
Seven Onion Rings given out to the Dwarf-Lords in their halls of analytic sports mining.
Nine Onion Rings given out to the Mortal Men of gambling addiction doomed to be broke.
All of whom were deceived.
One Onion Ring for the Dark Draft King.
In the noxious landscape of online weekly fantasy football draft farms.
One Onion Ring to rule them all.
One Onion ring to find out what lineups the people of middle earth will start each week.
One Onion Ring to bring them all and in the gamble fleece them.
In the land of the Internet where the owners of Draft Kings and Fanduel lie.
The One Onion Ring of power forged in the deepest fryers of Mordor where the shadows devour “The Whoppers”.
As time passed the scripture engraved on the One Onion Ring to rule them all faded.
Only when dipped in heated zesty Onion Ring sauce would the ancient elvish scripture illuminate in a fiery red glow.
The translation: Concept of the four leaf clover.
In the high stakes den’s of Bree.
At the Prancing Pony.
A place where they have pitted fans against fans in a duel to the monetary death.
Shire folk wager with wizards, rangers, elves, dwarfs, and men from all over Middle Earth.
Their silver pennies, pence, and various precious metals the stake.
Wagered over games of linguistic riddles, dice, cards, and of course football.
The contestants eagerly watch games of lateral pig skin movement.
On pools of reflection.

*  “To Draft Amongst Kings” is a reflection of how I feel about the illegal market of insider analytics trading.  Draft Kings and Fan Duel are two major players in the weekly fantasy football market.  According to one source that I read there are allegations that employees of each site traded analytic information and had access to this analytic information when they created their lineups which won over $350,000 last week.    Employees of both companies have access to statistical data that allow them to have a incredible edge over the average player.  They have access to what percentage of people are playing certain players.  Also, they are responsible for setting the draft prices for each player.  This is an example of insider trading and can’t be tolerated.  Both companies have issued a statement, which included an apology, and a promise that in the future employees will not be able to play in any weekly fantasy football tournaments on either of the weekly fantasy football draft farms.  There is in fact a class action lawsuit and if you would like to find out more about it here is a link.

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved

Stay Fresh

Handbag

   It’s been over a year now since Modern Linguistics was thrust upon the Internet.  Before it’s conception It was a dark time for yours truly and so I embarked on a long road trip from Baltimore (Charm City) to Florida (The Sunshine State) to visit friends along the way.  I ended up in Georgia (I wrote Travel Gnome on this leg of the trip) to meet up with a lovely couple that had decided it would be agreeable to allow me to stay at their flat.  Apparently, to seal the deal my friend a.k.a. French Tree told his significant other I was well versed in elvish and would teach them the dialect.  After a few heated discussions where I explained that I was in no emotional shape to teach such lessons they still were in agreement that it was in my best interest to stay for a few days.

    They were wonderful hosts and it just so happened that French Tree was in the market for a ride from Georgia (The Peach State) to Florida (The Sunshine State) to meet up with his lovely who had decided to plane instead of journey on a flying dog because the prices on eBay for a three man saddle were through the roof.  We we’re now on a mission which involved the transportation of his lovely’s love to Florida (The Sunshine State) so they could all be together for her birthday.

DoggieNo Flying Dogs were injured in the making of this blog post

     After three excruciating days of pretending not to be fluent in elvish dialect we were off to see the wizard.  The wonderful wizard of fresh squeezed orange juice.  The stuff is all over the place down south and I highly recommend the next time you take a road trip to the coast you stop by one of there fine establishments and wet your whistle with fresh squeezed OJ.  One stipulation of the drive was that Justin Schneider (Jfreshly’s alter ego) would freestyle throughout the duration which would later be known as “The Hot Jelly Transfer.”  And so it was, that on this epic journey, two gentlemen climbed upon a giant dog that had the ability to fly only in correlation with the power of freestyles (Certainly not the power of Grey Skull which I think is important enough to add).  On this flight under the blanket of night I  transcended time and space to become Jfreshly.

       The freestyles were recorded on a Black Berry and I believe they are still in existence.  I prefer not to record hot jelly as I believe freestyles are meant to live and die with the moment.  However, on this occasion, it was cool to listen to trapped jelly a few days later when I was not locked in a full lyrical comatose.  Once the never ending journey came to a conclusion I dropped French Tree off at the airport.  I know what you are thinking…Um why would French Tree not take the flying dog the rest of the way.  Dude!  The flying dog was freaking tired OK!!!  That is why I dropped French Tree off at the airport.  Not because the dog never actually took flight because it most certainly did.  End of story (It actually never ends because the story has NeverEnding in the title).

   I got the opportunity to spend roughly two weeks in Florida (The Sunshine State) with my childhood best friend a.k.a. Rubber Ducky and my newly formed (two year old) God Son.  Acoustic guitar rifts on the beach as waves crashed upon our feet accompanied by fresh jelly is exactly what the doctor had ordered.  After the session of jams his Peruvian lovely made a killer ceviche as a proper send off (The type of dish you would expect for a god father of this magnitude). This was most excellent and certainly went a long way in the healing process.

  A few days before I was to embark on the epic drive north French Tree had called to extend a branch of olives,  “Stop by on the way back to Baltimore (Charm City) the prospect of you going the distance (Great Cake Song) scares us,” French Tree and his Lovely said from the Black Berry (Which was most likely owned by Captain Nemo at some point cause this thing was ancient yo).  I took him up on his offer and chilled on the outskirts of Hotlanta (The Peach City) for a few days before my eventual departure home.

   French Tree asked if I would write some of my freestyles down on a blog to share my abilities with the people on the inter-webs.  I agreed and two days later he eventually came to the conclusion that in no way shape or form would I actually start the blog.  So he did what any great friend would do.  He created Modern Linguistics, wrote the post “Rocket Ship,” and said, “Here you go Fresh now you have a blog.”

   Most of the songs that I have posted on Modern Linguistics have been with me for a long time.  I would religiously sing them in the shower, on car drives, and while out for a hike.  When Friday and Saturday would roll around if there was no extra curricular activity to attend I would jump in the heated agua and belt out an entire album.  I thought to myself that somehow the words and rhythms would entwine with the hot water and as others would bathe or shower my songs would somehow osmosis into their thought process.  I tried very hard to make sure that the droplets of water would carry my songs to another lonely soul for no other purpose then enjoyment.  During my entire time in Baltimore (Charm City) no one has yet to come up to me and say, “You’re that guy that sang in the shower last night and defied all the laws of science!  How did you figure out that you could transfer an entire album of music through droplets of water?”    In case you are wondering this is a terrible way to share music.

   I’ve never kept a journal.  As far as the poetry is concerned I’m not sure where it comes from.  You may want to ask whomever created the place this question.  Who exactly perfected “Heart Jelly” and how were they able to implement the process of “Heart Jelly” to form spontaneously?  It is a bit new for me to sit down at the computer and let the words flow through my fingertips (Computer Jelly).

    To have a platform where I can share my thoughts and ideals with other like minded artisans has been a blessing.  I wanted to write this blog post to thank everyone that has taken the time to read some of my poetry and or listen to some of my songs.  For a long time I thought it would be a shame if I were to pass away and no one else heard these words romance these rhythms.  So with that I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone that has stopped by Modern Linguistics to show their support.  Thank You (This Thank You is sponsored by much LOVE).

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved

Mad Hatter

poltregeist

It was somewhere in-between The Dick Van Dyke Show and The Lucile Ball Show when the LSD began kicking in

The television had been wide asleep since its conception

A ghost in the shell

Levitation is mesmerizing

Poltergeists play for keeps

These floating ghosts sure are a hungry bunch

Hacked into the old-school A & P commercials

And are now balls deep in the marshmallows on isle 6

The scheduled program is now the feature

Lucy’s ginger glory is up in smoke

The idea of vapor is emanating from the television

Eyes are popping out of the socket

As a young girl is encompassed by the invisible smog

What a long and crazy trip its been.

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Bogarden2 vs Bogarden3 AN EPIC CONFRONTATION

magiccard

I wanted to give some love to my good friend at https://waldendrive.wordpress.com/ French Tree (markeliotwrites).  On a blog post “CHAT: Bogarden3” we have had a very fun and interesting comment chain.  I wanted to share as a blog post because I rather enjoyed it and this blog “Modern Linguistics” is all about sharing creativity.  If you don’t play Magic: The Gathering or never have then this may seem a bit foreign to you.  Never the less you should enjoy it!  Feel free to continue with the epic battle in the comment section!  We’re closing in on Bogarden2 its only a matter of time!  If you’re interested in getting caught up on what is going on here is the link to the original post. https://jfreshly.wordpress.com/2015/05/30/chat-bogarden3/

Key: Bogarden3 and or French Tree’s parts are in Bold.  Sofaknight and or Jfreshly’s part is italicized.

Yeah, had to bury Bogarden1
But Bogarden2 is still on the loose
Just like my play
Need to tighten it up
It’s all about the gang-affiliated hype
Seeking the treasure with the rest of the brethren
Bound for the Lonestar state to participate in the origin of the masses
And rise from the ashes
A glowing bird

Just got an address for Bogarden2. Rendezvous at the land of lakes. If my memory serves correctly there will be attractive Indian women offering butter. I’ll make sure to bring dough for biscuits. As for Bogarden2: level 2 protocol is in order. I have initiated Voltron Strike Force Activate on Bogarden2. I did not want to be the one to break this too you. They are holding the entire Welch’s Grape Jelly plant hostage. I’m not sure how it leaked sir. But, they have got the jelly.

We must convene with the five orbs to summon the most dastardly of butter dragons to spit flames of canola upon the planeswalker they call Bogarden2…

This just in: a merfolk from Welch’s has tapped out a signal to our Ghitu encampment. It appears that Bogarden2 was cloned by a devious Vesuvian – shapeshifting with the blood moon … Howling beyond lung capacity until he went berserk… Only to be miraculously recovered – stronger than ever, poured on popcorn like primordial ooze … Devoured in an eyeblight massacre by an army of 400 deep shadow elves… I don’t know how they were able to get this signal out, but I can only assume it was in a fog… We must prepare our Voltron forces to strike before the fog wears off and darkness sets in… Are you with me?

I hear you loud and clear sir. We’re fighting tooth and nail down here and were almost out of mana. That Zuran Orb we stole from the trinket mage has left our supplies completely depleted. It got us through the worst of times converting all that sour jelly from the great Welch’s siege into a usable food resource. Now I fear we must strike based on your counter intelligence . How you were able to delve through the enemy’s Intel to dig through the time tables was next to a miracle. As for the Elves of the Deep Shadow your numbers were a bit off. It was over 4,000 but they have been dealt with. Get two birds stoned at once is the saying here at Modern Linguistics: legend of the five orbs portal. We once again called upon Eladamri to allow us to use his legions of Birchlore Rangers to tap down the Elves of the Deep Shadow. (Bow Chicka Bow Wow…Bow Chicka Bow Wow indeed) those Bircholore Rangers have always been effective for us this time the results were concise and victorious. All that tapping left the Vesuvian Shapeshifter completely depleted and when he called upon the trinket mage to gather his Zuran Orb…Well I think you don’t need me to paint that picture for you. Lets just say its safe to say he won’t be doing any mo tinkering soon yo. The time is now to Voltron Strike Force Activate. To finally rid us of this cowardly Bogarden2 that has thus far slipped through the grasp of the legion of the five orbs. May your prayers be with we us and your calculations accurate. For we strike at your word of command.

A CARRIER PIGEON HAS ARRIVED CARRYING A MERCHANT SCROLL. It’s written in blood! Please sofaknight – please decode this omen before the force of veil descend upon our city of brass…

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.