The Big Queef

The Big Queef

A wind gust
blows against my balls.
The smell, is where
the trouble started.
I realized she had just farted.

© 2016 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

 

Pause for a Station Break

Why hello there its yours truly Jfreshly bringing you a station break.  A Pause in the Modern Linguistics: Song Blog flow.  Recently a user that goes by the moniker of Donnie Jerko submitted a few interesting comments.  I choose not to allow these comments because his name “Donnie Jerko” when clicked would take you to an adult film oriented website.

This user realized this apparent comment denial and proceeded to send another comment which suggested much anger and aggression towards Jfreshly.  This blog is about creativity and enjoying the language of letters.  With-in that logic I feel it would go against the grain and ideals of this blog not to share them.

This blog does not and will not promote any pornographic or illegal websites.  That reason and that reason alone is why I did not accept these comments.  Enjoy your moment in the sun Donnie Jerko.  I hope this blog post brings you much happiness.

You never know who you will meet in the world of blogging.  #LOL

https://jfreshly.wordpress.com/2016/02/27/socket-madness/ (This is the original post to which the comments were posted).

– 2016/03/01 at 12:56 am

Donnie Jerko

My pussy has a first name its J-E-l-l-O. My wiener has a first name when I find it I will let you know. One time I frenched a tree, it wasn’t all that and later that day I found out I was allergic to poison sumac, Yankees batman its time to leave.

– John

– 2016/03/01 at 3:48 pm

Donnie Jerko

You dodgy tosser, I get off a plane from Disney World expecting my haiku to be posted and you deny me my freedom. I was relating to being stuck on a plane you wanker, YOU will pay for this denial. Every hour you do not post this a cat will get petted, every day that goes by a pancake will die, I will pull up this blog on screens around the world and smash the screen. Who are you to deny people their comments, those are their comments, they own them. You barnacle bill free speech impeding bastard, you have no right, you are not the beak although you probably do wear a curly wig quite often, neigh, What was that? Caligula’s horse just told you fuck off you Yankee candle buying arsemonger. Ohhh look at me come post a comment, wait no let me read it first and then Ill decide if it is good enough for me manky blog. You cocked up big time by doing this matey, Ill give you so many viruses it will make ancient Babylon look like playgroup. your no better than those cheese eating surrender monkeys across the pond, you will feel the full wrath I curse you from this tosh to the slag you romp every fortnight. You will taste fish and chips for eternity, your teeth will surely rot and you wank will fall off because you are not a beak, you are not a judge, you are just a no good word panderer with one good eye. Prepare matey, prepare.

-John

© 2016 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.​

On a side note I just found out you can go into admin and delete the URL linked to their screen name.  My bad dude #LOL.

 

Anthem of a Microphone

Anthem of a Microphone

When the world hands you lemonade
Drink it
Don’t over think it
Cause it’s the little things that matter
And when it comes to laughter
Indulge in the natural epiphany
The chemical balance of creativity
Spontaneous in the essence
Of a well timed presence
Imagination is the foundation of power
Those who fear words
May one day become cowards
To feel the strength in this ambition
To spit mad diction
To grip the mic tightly
To make an audience show up nightly
Back to the basics
It’s time to look in the mirror
And face it
I believe
In the oath of the trees
In that warm breeze
In the randomness of a smile
My soul
Becomes freed
© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved

Ten Moments of Zen With Jfreshly

Ten Moments of Zen with Jfreshly

 

  1. To look at black and white photos of naked women is pleasant.
  2. My style be like Golden Axe when the joystick’s in motion. I be straight up kicking the shit out of these squirrels to get these potions
  3. Would Ancient Egyptians have liked the television series The X-Files?
  4. Eat lots of figs for good bowel movements.
  5. Breakfast and head is the reward for dealing with PMS once a month.
  6. If you’ve gone a month without a dose of Dr. Seuss your childhood is in jeopardy. (What is Lay out your booster Alex?  That’s correct for $1,000).
  7. The NAACP has asked its members to boycott “Black Friday” they have requested that the day after Thanks Giving simply be referred to as “Friday”.
  8. TMZ has reported, “This just in folks Sponge Bob Square Pants was caught shopping at Urban Outfitters while wearing circular pants”.
  9. Rendezvous at the land of lakes. If my memory serves correctly there will be attractive Indian women offering butter.
  10. For our first date, I’ll dress up like the penguin from Billy Madison, and pour us Manischewitz by waterfalls.

 

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Zansabar: the Curator of Hallucination’s Game House

ZansabarGameHouse

 

Zansabar the Curator of Hallucinations and The Drunken Game-Master sit down for some afternoon tea.

In moments of zen

As they pretend

The wormhole activates in brain space

Zansabar the Curator of Hallucinations, “We’re in bat country!”
“Why have you not summoned the Wyvern?”
The Drunken Game-Master holds a NES Original Controller. Also, its important to note that he’s wearing the patented “Mythril Tank Top” (also referred to as a wife beater by the pundits of popular culture).

NINTENDOCROC
The Drunken Game-Master responded with a delightful request,”Pound cake and lemonade sire?”

Moments of hypothetical hysteria diffused by positive reinforcement
It’s an important lesson to be learned
When the bender is real
Deep discussion of theoretical significance

Recent topics include:
1. Baby porcupines still hurt when you try to hug them?

baby porcupine    It was decided through hours of random incantations of the English vocabulary that indeed even though a baby porcupine is very cute to hug one…really hug one…would be painful.

2. Cloudy hallways tended by lovable teddy bears in cars that run on cartoon clouds.

Skeltorcarebarecloud   This brought on many words which described the philosophy of ‘Cheer Bear’ vs ‘Grumpy Bear’ and the race of destiny.  It was finally agreed upon that ‘Grumpy Bear’ had the driving abilities to win the race but at the end of the day they’d both preferred to live the lifestyle of ‘Cheer Bear’.  For reasons that no one can remember.

3. Candy Land has run out of the gooey gooey gum drops.

KingKandy     Zansabar pulls a purple card and curses in the name of “King Kandy” the lost king of Candy Land.  For he is far behind in this duel of Land Candy.  The Drunken Game Master found a whistle and somehow has warped passed Candy Land World all together. The Drunken Game Master and Bowser be chillen at the castle having tea time with a real life princess!

Zansabar, “Purple square is a shot of adrenal gland…Right?”
A high stakes game of intake.
Are we here?
Are we part of something bigger?
Is there anybody out there? (Insert trippy music emoticon here.)
Over 50 shades of whiskey the conversation turns.
Holli Would gets off…of the Italian leather sectional and laughs.
Zansabar says, “Whats 67 inches by 55 inches and has 24 colored circles my dear.”
“Twister you say?” as she looks back over her shoulder.
would
This request is most reasonable.
I’ll require more martinis however.

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Stay Fresh

Handbag

   It’s been over a year now since Modern Linguistics was thrust upon the Internet.  Before it’s conception It was a dark time for yours truly and so I embarked on a long road trip from Baltimore (Charm City) to Florida (The Sunshine State) to visit friends along the way.  I ended up in Georgia (I wrote Travel Gnome on this leg of the trip) to meet up with a lovely couple that had decided it would be agreeable to allow me to stay at their flat.  Apparently, to seal the deal my friend a.k.a. French Tree told his significant other I was well versed in elvish and would teach them the dialect.  After a few heated discussions where I explained that I was in no emotional shape to teach such lessons they still were in agreement that it was in my best interest to stay for a few days.

    They were wonderful hosts and it just so happened that French Tree was in the market for a ride from Georgia (The Peach State) to Florida (The Sunshine State) to meet up with his lovely who had decided to plane instead of journey on a flying dog because the prices on eBay for a three man saddle were through the roof.  We were now on a mission which involved the transportation of his lovely’s love to Florida (The Sunshine State) so they could all be together for her birthday.

DoggieNo Flying Dogs were injured in the making of this blog post

     After three excruciating days of pretending not to be fluent in elvish dialect we were off to see the wizard.  The wonderful wizard of fresh squeezed orange juice.  The stuff is all over the place down south and I highly recommend the next time you take a road trip to the coast you stop by one of there fine establishments and wet your whistle with fresh squeezed OJ.  One stipulation of the drive was that Justin Schneider (Jfreshly’s alter ego) would freestyle throughout the duration which would later be known as “The Hot Jelly Transfer.”  And so it was, that on this epic journey, two gentlemen climbed upon a giant dog that had the ability to fly only in correlation with the power of freestyles (Certainly not the power of Grey Skull which I think is important enough to add).  On this flight under the blanket of night I  transcended time and space to become Jfreshly.

       The freestyles were recorded on a Black Berry and I believe they are still in existence.  I prefer not to record hot jelly as I believe freestyles are meant to live and die with the moment.  However, on this occasion, it was cool to listen to trapped jelly a few days later when I was not locked in a full lyrical comatose.  Once the never ending journey came to a conclusion I dropped French Tree off at the airport.  I know what you are thinking…Um why would French Tree not take the flying dog the rest of the way.  Dude!  The flying dog was freaking tired OK!!!  That is why I dropped French Tree off at the airport.  Not because the dog never actually took flight because it most certainly did.  End of story (It actually never ends because the story has NeverEnding in the title).

   I got the opportunity to spend roughly two weeks in Florida (The Sunshine State) with my childhood best friend a.k.a. Rubber Ducky and my newly formed (two year old) God Son.  Acoustic guitar rifts on the beach as waves crashed upon our feet accompanied by fresh jelly is exactly what the doctor had ordered.  After the session of jams his Peruvian lovely made a killer ceviche as a proper send off (The type of dish you would expect for a god father of this magnitude). This was most excellent and certainly went a long way in the healing process.

  A few days before I was to embark on the epic drive north French Tree had called to extend a branch of olives,  “Stop by on the way back to Baltimore (Charm City) the prospect of you going the distance (Great Cake Song) scares us,” French Tree and his Lovely said from the Black Berry (Which was most likely owned by Captain Nemo at some point cause this thing was ancient yo).  I took him up on his offer and chilled on the outskirts of Hotlanta (The Peach City) for a few days before my eventual departure home.

   French Tree asked if I would write some of my freestyles down on a blog to share my abilities with the people on the inter-webs.  I agreed and two days later he eventually came to the conclusion that in no way shape or form would I actually start the blog.  So he did what any great friend would do.  He created Modern Linguistics, wrote the post “Rocket Ship,” and said, “Here you go Fresh now you have a blog.”

   Most of the songs that I have posted on Modern Linguistics have been with me for a long time.  I would religiously sing them in the shower, on car drives, and while out for a hike.  When Friday and Saturday would roll around if there was no extra curricular activity to attend I would jump in the heated agua and belt out an entire album.  I thought to myself that somehow the words and rhythms would entwine with the hot water and as others would bathe or shower my songs would somehow osmosis into their thought process.  I tried very hard to make sure that the droplets of water would carry my songs to another lonely soul for no other purpose then enjoyment.  During my entire time in Baltimore (Charm City) no one has yet to come up to me and say, “You’re that guy that sang in the shower last night and defied all the laws of science!  How did you figure out that you could transfer an entire album of music through droplets of water?”    In case you are wondering this is a terrible way to share music.

   I’ve never kept a journal.  As far as the poetry is concerned I’m not sure where it comes from.  You may want to ask whomever created the place this question.  Who exactly perfected “Heart Jelly” and how were they able to implement the process of “Heart Jelly” to form spontaneously?  It is a bit new for me to sit down at the computer and let the words flow through my fingertips (Computer Jelly).

    To have a platform where I can share my thoughts and ideals with other like minded artisans has been a blessing.  I wanted to write this blog post to thank everyone that has taken the time to read some of my poetry and or listen to some of my songs.  For a long time I thought it would be a shame if I were to pass away and no one else heard these words romance these rhythms.  So with that I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone that has stopped by Modern Linguistics to show their support.  Thank You (This Thank You is sponsored by much LOVE).

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved

Mad Hatter

poltregeist

It was somewhere in-between The Dick Van Dyke Show and The Lucile Ball Show when the LSD began kicking in

The television had been wide asleep since its conception

A ghost in the shell

Levitation is mesmerizing

Poltergeists play for keeps

These floating ghosts sure are a hungry bunch

Hacked into the old-school A & P commercials

And are now balls deep in the marshmallows on isle 6

The scheduled program is now the feature

Lucy’s ginger glory is up in smoke

The idea of vapor is emanating from the television

Eyes are popping out of the socket

As a young girl is encompassed by the invisible smog

What a long and crazy trip its been.

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Bogarden2 vs Bogarden3 AN EPIC CONFRONTATION

magiccard

I wanted to give some love to my good friend at https://waldendrive.wordpress.com/ French Tree (markeliotwrites).  On a blog post “CHAT: Bogarden3” we have had a very fun and interesting comment chain.  I wanted to share as a blog post because I rather enjoyed it and this blog “Modern Linguistics” is all about sharing creativity.  If you don’t play Magic: The Gathering or never have then this may seem a bit foreign to you.  Never the less you should enjoy it!  Feel free to continue with the epic battle in the comment section!  We’re closing in on Bogarden2 its only a matter of time!  If you’re interested in getting caught up on what is going on here is the link to the original post. https://jfreshly.wordpress.com/2015/05/30/chat-bogarden3/

Key: Bogarden3 and or French Tree’s parts are in Bold.  Sofaknight and or Jfreshly’s part is italicized.

Yeah, had to bury Bogarden1
But Bogarden2 is still on the loose
Just like my play
Need to tighten it up
It’s all about the gang-affiliated hype
Seeking the treasure with the rest of the brethren
Bound for the Lonestar state to participate in the origin of the masses
And rise from the ashes
A glowing bird

Just got an address for Bogarden2. Rendezvous at the land of lakes. If my memory serves correctly there will be attractive Indian women offering butter. I’ll make sure to bring dough for biscuits. As for Bogarden2: level 2 protocol is in order. I have initiated Voltron Strike Force Activate on Bogarden2. I did not want to be the one to break this too you. They are holding the entire Welch’s Grape Jelly plant hostage. I’m not sure how it leaked sir. But, they have got the jelly.

We must convene with the five orbs to summon the most dastardly of butter dragons to spit flames of canola upon the planeswalker they call Bogarden2…

This just in: a merfolk from Welch’s has tapped out a signal to our Ghitu encampment. It appears that Bogarden2 was cloned by a devious Vesuvian – shapeshifting with the blood moon … Howling beyond lung capacity until he went berserk… Only to be miraculously recovered – stronger than ever, poured on popcorn like primordial ooze … Devoured in an eyeblight massacre by an army of 400 deep shadow elves… I don’t know how they were able to get this signal out, but I can only assume it was in a fog… We must prepare our Voltron forces to strike before the fog wears off and darkness sets in… Are you with me?

I hear you loud and clear sir. We’re fighting tooth and nail down here and were almost out of mana. That Zuran Orb we stole from the trinket mage has left our supplies completely depleted. It got us through the worst of times converting all that sour jelly from the great Welch’s siege into a usable food resource. Now I fear we must strike based on your counter intelligence . How you were able to delve through the enemy’s Intel to dig through the time tables was next to a miracle. As for the Elves of the Deep Shadow your numbers were a bit off. It was over 4,000 but they have been dealt with. Get two birds stoned at once is the saying here at Modern Linguistics: legend of the five orbs portal. We once again called upon Eladamri to allow us to use his legions of Birchlore Rangers to tap down the Elves of the Deep Shadow. (Bow Chicka Bow Wow…Bow Chicka Bow Wow indeed) those Bircholore Rangers have always been effective for us this time the results were concise and victorious. All that tapping left the Vesuvian Shapeshifter completely depleted and when he called upon the trinket mage to gather his Zuran Orb…Well I think you don’t need me to paint that picture for you. Lets just say its safe to say he won’t be doing any mo tinkering soon yo. The time is now to Voltron Strike Force Activate. To finally rid us of this cowardly Bogarden2 that has thus far slipped through the grasp of the legion of the five orbs. May your prayers be with we us and your calculations accurate. For we strike at your word of command.

A CARRIER PIGEON HAS ARRIVED CARRYING A MERCHANT SCROLL. It’s written in blood! Please sofaknight – please decode this omen before the force of veil descend upon our city of brass…

© 2015 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Walk into the bar

Chive

Biggie

Notorious

Factions of the distinguished

Brains dashed in mead

Pass in ambiguity

Ill never figure out this appeal

However

Enjoying the view of her dancing

Is quite exquisite

A stranger from Venus whom many might find attractive

Sponsors a leather burlap shirt that covers

Her nipples tightly

Abrupt stop

She has noticed the relocation of the iris

Caught red handed

Staring in bliss

But that’s the idea here right

It’s the essence of chives

Flaunt it in the name of infamy

Either way

I’m the benefactor.

© 2014 Jfreshly Modern Linguistics Song Blog. All Rights Reserved.​